When Fear Breaks Your Heart

When Fear Breaks Your Heart (Legacy Series Part 1)

- Keeping the Idol of Fear from the Wholeness You're Created to Have -

I was told recently that you should go into every conflict seeking healing. It paints a pretty simple picture if you think about it; confront conflict desiring reconciliation. We see this commonly occur between two people. But what if the conflict is between us and our own hearts?

Ten years ago I was about to be sixteen and I was wanting love. I wanted the romance, the talk of adventure, the dreams of a family and I wanted to share those ideals with someone who wanted them equally. So I began to piece together my life allowing my desires to influence my behavior. People and opportunities began coming into my path and what I didn't realize then was, I didn't have to say yes and try to make it work to any and all that was within arms reach. It wasn't long before things began to not go the way I had envisioned and I quickly became frustrated, and when they continued not to go my way, I became afraid.

What if I'm never going to get married? What if God doesn't hear me? What if I'm wrong in pursuing the things I'm passionate about? The frustration and the pain I was allowing to be inflicted within my heart influenced me for the worse and created a conflict I was bound to confront if I ever wanted to be whole again.

What was worse was the pain and fear I had in my heart became and idol and replaced the love I knew God had for me. I began second guessing what God said about me, even though I knew better. My heart broke from failed relationships, my heart broke from not being in any relationships. My heart broke from failed attempts at being a better person, my heart broke from trying to just be indifferent and throw in the towel. Finally, I got fed up with all of it.

Instead of trying to push and arrange things in my life, I took a moment to think, to cogitate all the current and relevant pieces. What was robbing me of the quality and happiness I wanted in my life?

My own heart.

So I decided to actively participate in mending the relationship I had with my heart and if you know anything about healing a wound, you know it takes more than a bandaid to fix it. I had an open wound and in order to keep it from infecting, I had to pour on the good stuff; God's promises.

So many of us are concerned and led with our feelings in the matter but let me tell you, when that disinfectant first touches the skin you feel a whole lot of things. But if there is one thing I've learned, especially as a woman, it's that feelings are fickle and change quite frequently and they should never, ever, be the determining factor in who you decide to be.

So here comes this refreshing sting in my life; the truth and promises God's made to me. Promises such as, "God will keep me in perfect peace if my mind is ‘stayed’ on Him," (Isaiah 26:3) "Nothing will separate me from the love of Christ,"  (Romans 8:35) "God has given me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline,"  (2 Timothy 1:7) and "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11). My heart didn't immediately stop bleeding, but I began to speak these verses into my life and negotiated with myself on what I needed to do to keep applying pressure to the wound. I surrounded myself with community and constantly gave God control by serving others where I was at and speaking positively into my days. I knew my joy wasn't dependent on my feelings but rather my strength in Him (Neh. 8:10) so I advocated the foundation of my identity solely on my relationship with God and in doing so began a permanent process to heal my heart and the conflict keeping me from enjoying my life.

That's not to say life is in any way easy, and my heart does continue to break from time to time but in no way will the pain it once caused me that time ago ever take the place of the unconditional love I know God has for us all.