Bren had already left for work that morning and I was grumpy. It was the dead of winter, I'm pregnant with our second child and was trying to work from home in between melt downs from #1 and a house begging to be straightened up. I set Cora up with her breakfast and waddled to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Everything felt so out of place and I felt stuck at home and overwhelmed. Being an ENFP that's that last thing you want to be; stuck and overwhelmed. I frowned in the mirror feeling larger than a pregnant woman should feel, gripped my toothpaste, started brushing and looked over to my husband's side of the sink. I saw his toothpaste was nicely pushed to the end, sitting on the side of his sink and suddenly something just snapped.
"WHY?!" I spit and loudly continued talking to my reflection, "How in the world is my ISTJ husband concerned about the shape of his toothpaste and yet clearly can't see we're in need of shaping up and rearranging ourselves?"
Let me first say, I love Brendon dearly and I adore our differences but when you're frustrated and tired, it becomes easy to see differences as nuances and I directed all of my anger at that toothpaste. I took the two tubes, placed them together and sarcastically said, "I now pronounce you man and wife." and walked out of the bathroom.
My husband and I are very different and on top of that we come from very different families. But God's intention, design and commitment for and in marriage does not rely and is not changed by irreconcilable differences.
Something needed to change that day. It wasn't our marriage, it was our hearts. I knew better and I wanted to be better. I sat on the bed for a long time when Cora was taking a nap contemplating my thoughts. With a deep breath I opened my heart and reminded myself that I loved that Brendon was different than me. He loves planning, enjoys budgeting and thrives in quality alone time. He gets energy within the stillness of a room and finds God there and I LOVE that and it's in many ways helped me to hear God there too when I'm with him. When we were first married he would come home from work give me a kiss, and tuck away for a few minutes to unwind and it didn't bother me because usually I was working on a craft or finishing work myself. However, once our first child came into our lives and she didn't care if we were extro- or introverted it became easy to misconstrue that part of him. So I asked God what my next step was and I remembered what my parents told me as a part of their marriage advice for when I met this crossroad, "give HIM to God."
That changed everything. You see, it's not my responsibility or right to change or make Brendon more LIKE ME. I fell in love with the man he is and it was my job to honor and respect that man. It is GOD'S JOB to make him good in however way that may be.
When our differences clash or when we misunderstand each other our flesh wants to immediately say, "Yea, I want nothing to do with you right now" and if not nurtured by the unconditional love of God (seeking His truths and promises in your relationship), that cut can go pretty deep.
But Brendon and I understand that our marriage isn't about us. It's about establishing a reflection of God's love to His people. I remembered, sitting on the bed that morning, that my joy first came from my strength in God (Neh 8:10) and to be honest, it was lacking quite a bit those last few days. The shape of my husband's toothpaste didn't mean he had it all together and I needed to trust God and encourage who God made my husband to be; not his weaknesses but what I knew his strengths to be.
When he came home that night I gave him a kiss and told him to take a few minutes and look over his to do list in the study (he loves looking over that list). His eyes widened and he looked charmingly confused. That night while I was giving Cora a bath I heard dishes being loaded in the dishwasher. I smiled and looked at the two tubes of toothpaste standing together on the sink and whispered to myself, "I do."
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