Messy

He's running. He's bookin' it. This guy will definitely outrun whatever's chasing him. He was made for this. Except... whoops, didn't see that hole in the ground there. Now he's got some thing wanting to eat him above and no where to go. We suddenly find ourselves disappointed, confused, and angry for this dude. He didn't deserve this!

Thus is life. Life is messy.

It's full of rich, deep, and insightful meaning... when you look back on it. Going through it is a whole different ball game. Life is finally being able to put your head on your pillow after getting four young kids to bed. It's walking down the aisle without your dad because he made the ultimate sacrifice defending your freedom. It's answering phone calls from your grandpa multiple times in the day knowing one day he won't remember your name or your face. It's waking up in the hospital not knowing how you got there. It's feeling guilt from a choice made that now involves an innocent life. It's flunking out of a hard class that you studied so diligently for. It's being told there is no cure. It's letting a friend down because you forgot, it's letting your spouse down because you forgot.

It's messy.

And yet, despite the turmoil we face in our lifetime, we're able to find laughter, hope, peace, forgiveness and love... even if it's just glimpses. We find it in ourselves to look in the mirror and say, "This life is worth living." It's nothing from within ourselves. I know for a fact I am not capable of freeing myself from the regret and pain that comes into my life although there are days I'd love to give myself credit.

Jesus makes my life worth living. He's promised me peace in trials (John 16:33), love when I turn against myself (1 Cor. 13) and hope through His sacrifice when I feel the world cannot be saved (John 3:16). And those gifts He's given lend me a much better perspective on life; they give me faith. And in that faith I find my strength to keep my eyes looking up and my feet moving forward; through it all.

So it's not so much a question of what's chasing you or how deep the hole you've fallen is. When life gets messy and you're surrounded, the question will be what kind of person will you be through it all?

Beverly & Me

I was singing quietly. It was her time, I knew it, but I couldn't help but want to retrieve every note that left my lips as my stance against death. But I kept singing her hymns and within moments she relaxed and said goodbye to this broken world with her final breath.

I sat at my piano with my 8 month old daughter and cried. I wanted so bad for her to meet her great great grandmother. What a joy it would have been. I was planning to fly out in the middle of this month but her body gave out sooner than expected.

I went to bed early that night and found myself thrown into a mind full of memories and reenactments of the stories she would tell. I saw her standing poised with a smile of ambition as the camera captured her mischievous stare. I saw her passing my great grandfather and looking back to see the young man he was, dressed in uniform on his way to see her at the roof of the hotel. I saw her fighting as a wife and mother to be all that she could be. Her grace never leaving her side and her passion fueling her every move.

As my mind kept flowing with memories, I laid next to my sleeping husband and pictured growing old with him. That's what you do when elderly people pass in your life. You're forced to realize that one day, you will be in that place. His body was like a furnace and so I snuck my frozen feet over to him and placed my hand within his and fell asleep.

And for a moment I wondered if it was all worth it.

The next morning I woke up to a day that needed to be lived, a house that needed to be cleaned, work that needed to be done, and a baby girl that needed to be loved. I was quickly overwhelmed as I woke up to Cora's stirring in her crib.

I sat her down and she watched an episode of Maurice Sendak's "Little Bear" as I scurried over to the coffee corner and made myself a cup.

Suddenly I heard her giggling and turned around to see her up on all fours crawling away, trying to grab a hold of our Siberian Husky, Misha. I ran over to applaud and encourage her to keep moving. She had shown signs here and there but today she just decided she had it within her to get up and go.

It's funny how that happens to us, sometimes unwillingly. When we're set in our ways, or feel like we're unable to progress or move on any further, somehow we find the strength within ourselves to keep pushing forward, to move on to better things.

My beautiful and healthy eight month old reminded me of something incredibly important; God makes all things new. Although simple, she began a new chapter in her life and welcomed it with open arms. In similar ways and as difficult as it can be, the passing that occurs with our loved ones or even just a season we've been living for a long time, give us an opportunity to make unique turning points in our lives; to depend solely on God and trust somewhere inside us there is an instinctive sense of strength through the simple joy of being a creation of God and to know every piece of us, even the broken ones are filled with purpose.

You lived your purpose and you lived it well Grandma. I love you Beverly Lou Wood Blair.

Star light, Star bright

I live on the outskirts of Houston, so seeing the night sky isn't as pretty as it used to be when I lived on a little island in the middle of the Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. However, every night when I go upstairs I glance up at the reasonably sized window we have placed in the wall of our stairway and I see a star.

Just one.

And no matter the day I have, I feel like it shines for me, reminding me that no matter how busy and artificial the world gets around me, it's still possible to shine an authentic and intentional light. Now, does everyone see that star? Who knows, but the answer doesn't matter because I see it and so it's done its job.

In your life, there are going to be polluted and artificial relationships and occurrences. You're not going to want to shine. You're going to want to hide, burn out, and everything in you is going to try to tell you it's not worth it. Don't listen to confusion, hatred and jealousy. Keep shining. Be intentional and authentic towards others. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Find your Joy and hold on to it tight. Swallow the promise of unconditional Love and Peace and allow yourself to glow from within. It doesn't matter if everyone sees you. You're going to go places where everyone can find you and you're going to find yourself in places where it's harder to see the light you have to offer but keep shining. Don't give up.

Because even if one person sees you, you've made a difference.

Photo by: Thierry Cohen 

What are the days in-between?

What do they mean? How do they affect you?

It was the year I was planning to be married (2011) when I stumbled upon the film "Just Married"(2003) starring Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy. I'm pretty sure I was doing laundry or homework and zoning in and out of the film. I watched as over and over again the newlyweds struggled to make sense of their marriage to one another. As comical as it was, by the end of the film I was ready for them to catch a break. Lucky for me, Raymond Barry, the actor playing Ashton's father, stepped into the picture and delivered a quote I would never forget:

"You never see the hard days in a photo album, but those are the ones that get you from one happy snap shot to the next." -Mr. Leezak

The hard days. These were the ones I wanted to capture in my heart and encourage others to get through. They play an important role in our character and story in the lives we lead. So I'm starting this blog to inspire, rejoice, grieve, and ponder the most important days of our lives.

The days in-between.