What I deserve...

Yea... she definitely doesn't deserve to be happy.

You've said it. I've said it. Somehow, we get to a point in our lives where we feel we have the right to determine the blessings or curses that fall into the laps of others. What in our right minds enable us to think someone (including ourselves) does or doesn't deserve something? Pride, jealousy, envy, bitterness, more yucky fickle feelings... and it's so unfortunate that we can go through those thoughts after working hard to be "the better man." But it happens.

This past weekend I was painting our house with my husband and somehow we got onto a conversation that ran similar to me saying, "Ah, he treated you badly? You definitely didn't deserve that." My husband, carefully edging one of the doors quickly responded, "I deserve death."

At first, I looked at him like he was crazy, hoping to meet a crooked smile in the corner of his mouth but he kept edging carefully; his eyes set on his work. I stood on my small step stool quietly and thought about what he said. I thought about those times I hit the nail on the head in my life and felt complete and good and then I thought about the times when I miss that mark completely, make a fool of myself and bring others down with me. But death? Do I deserve death? Yes. Let's take it a little deeper.

Now, you may say, "death? Come on Brit, that's a little harsh." But we are already living that punishment.  Romans 6:23 states, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." We are already ruined. Every one of us. We are walking definitions of death. Day by day by day by day our bodies continue to destroy themselves, our hearts continue to betray our minds and our spirits abandon us if not anchored in the everlasting love God gifted us; freedom. The ability to set ourselves free from guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, and deceit through our belief in Christ.

So when I think about my husbands response I realize he wasn't wanting a death wish. He was simply saying, everything I am is because of Christ and without Him, I'm ruined.

Tonight I scrolled down my newsfeed on Facebook and peered into the small glimpses of the lives of my social friends and instead of sitting in the judges seat, that can be oh so easily sat in, I sat on my clean laundry-in need of folding filled floor and watched God bring beauty from ashes and turn rubble into royalty. Because who am I to say what other's deserve? Who are you to say what I deserve? Go live your life free from jealousy, judgement and comparison.

Because I'll go ahead, save you the time, and say what I deserve. Death.

National Right to Life Day 2014

It was January 22nd 2014. I woke up and knew I had to head downtown but every bone in my body screamed to stay in bed. I had stayed up late working on a few graphic design projects and my eyes just couldn't bear the rays of sun peaking through the blinds. Cora started crying so I got up, fed and changed her and sat on the bed trying to decide whether or not to go downtown for the day. I decided to go. The drive seemed long and my mind and my heart seemed to be in a horrible disagreement with one another regarding how awake and attentive I truly was. And then I met her.

She was afraid. Although it was a beautiful sunny day she didn't see the sun. She couldn't feel anything. She had just found out she was pregnant. 

"I just celebrated my birthday with my 22 year old daughter," she said as she smiled at the fresh memory of spending time with her daughter. "I'm 41 years old...I can't do this again." She took a deep breath and looked down. She felt trapped.

I stood there in awe. I couldn't imagine having a child at that age now knowing the amount of work that goes into raising a child. I stood there in silence for a moment looking at the face of my little one.

"Do you know why we have children?" I asked her not fully knowing where the conversation would end. She was silent. I continued, "My father was the youngest of ten. His mother had him at an older age than you are now and had she terminated her pregnancy, I wouldn't be here with you now." She started to cry. I scooted closer to her. "I'm not here to make you feel guilty for thinking the thoughts you are or feeling the way you do. I'm here to remind you what children do for this world. Because my grandmother chose to have my father she not only passed on her sweet and strong nature, she also passed on the hope of Jesus Christ. That's the only way this world can get better; passing down His promises, love, and hope." She grabbed my hand.

I continued. "I know you're afraid but God is going make good out of this situation by renewing your strength and bringing into your life someone who will one day look into the eyes of someone unsure and remind them of the stability of God's love."

And like that, it was as if her crashing world finally came to a halt. I saw her look into the sun. She then turned to me, thanked me, gave me a hug and walked away.

She was at peace.

Romans 8:28
We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him. They are the people he called, because that was his plan.