What I deserve...

Yea... she definitely doesn't deserve to be happy.

You've said it. I've said it. Somehow, we get to a point in our lives where we feel we have the right to determine the blessings or curses that fall into the laps of others. What in our right minds enable us to think someone (including ourselves) does or doesn't deserve something? Pride, jealousy, envy, bitterness, more yucky fickle feelings... and it's so unfortunate that we can go through those thoughts after working hard to be "the better man." But it happens.

This past weekend I was painting our house with my husband and somehow we got onto a conversation that ran similar to me saying, "Ah, he treated you badly? You definitely didn't deserve that." My husband, carefully edging one of the doors quickly responded, "I deserve death."

At first, I looked at him like he was crazy, hoping to meet a crooked smile in the corner of his mouth but he kept edging carefully; his eyes set on his work. I stood on my small step stool quietly and thought about what he said. I thought about those times I hit the nail on the head in my life and felt complete and good and then I thought about the times when I miss that mark completely, make a fool of myself and bring others down with me. But death? Do I deserve death? Yes. Let's take it a little deeper.

Now, you may say, "death? Come on Brit, that's a little harsh." But we are already living that punishment.  Romans 6:23 states, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." We are already ruined. Every one of us. We are walking definitions of death. Day by day by day by day our bodies continue to destroy themselves, our hearts continue to betray our minds and our spirits abandon us if not anchored in the everlasting love God gifted us; freedom. The ability to set ourselves free from guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, and deceit through our belief in Christ.

So when I think about my husbands response I realize he wasn't wanting a death wish. He was simply saying, everything I am is because of Christ and without Him, I'm ruined.

Tonight I scrolled down my newsfeed on Facebook and peered into the small glimpses of the lives of my social friends and instead of sitting in the judges seat, that can be oh so easily sat in, I sat on my clean laundry-in need of folding filled floor and watched God bring beauty from ashes and turn rubble into royalty. Because who am I to say what other's deserve? Who are you to say what I deserve? Go live your life free from jealousy, judgement and comparison.

Because I'll go ahead, save you the time, and say what I deserve. Death.

My First Valentine

Dating was rough. I'm the eldest of three girls so when it came time for my age group to start dating, it did not go as well as I wanted for me. I remember being frustrated a lot of the time. Being the first to go through it all didn't help either. I wanted so bad to be like some of the other girls. But when you're young minded like that and figuring yourself out, there are bound to be days when you'd give anything to be someone else. Anyway, when Valentine's Day would roll around, the student committee would come to each room and drop off flowers purchased by people during lunch. I remember thinking how nice it would be to just have that attention and love that some of the girls were getting. To be desired on every level... (or so I thought).

High School.

My parents didn't want me dating until I was 18 (preferably 30). However, by the time I was 16, I convinced them that group dates were "for reals legit" and that I was safe and sound. I stayed safe and surrounded myself around a good group of people and I was smart enough not to put myself into any bad or regretful situations. But it didn't take long before I realized the void I had wasn't being filled by any guy that came across my path and when the flower was finally placed on my desk at school one year it wasn't nearly as satisfying as I had hoped.

When I got home, I gave my flower to my little sister who at the time was around 10 or 11 years old. I watched her smile and put it in a vase. I sat on my bed and did my homework for a few hours and then there was a knock on my bedroom door. I looked up and saw my dad standing in the doorway with a teddy bear and chocolates. I could feel my cheeks stretch from smiling so wide and I ran and gave him a big hug. I watched him give each of my sisters their gifts and then turn to my mom and give her flowers and a kiss. My heart was full, but not because of my dad, although, he never failed at being our valentine year after year until we were married. My heart was full because my dad (and mom) loved Jesus first. They loved Jesus so much that it spilled over into our lives and touched each one of us in a unique and personal way.

You see, Jesus' love, well His kind of love is more than a flower bought in a High School cafeteria. Song of Solomon 8:6 states, "... for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD." That was what I wanted; strength and passion, but not from a man. I wanted it forever; to be eternally mine.

I accepted Christ at a young age as my Father and friend but I didn't acknowledge Him as one that could hold my very being and comfort me in unconditional way as a lover would until that day when I saw my family operating in the love of Christ. It just clicked... probably because I was looking for and open to it.

Ephesians 3:17-19 states, "I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love. And I pray that you and all God’s holy people will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love—how wide and how long and how high and how deep that love is. Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with the fullness of God."

So although it took me 16 years to realize Jesus had not only been the first but most fulfilling valentine I could ever have, once I knew in my heart that was true, I was filled with the fullness of God.

My journey wasn't (still isn't) perfect though. I was alone sometimes and I almost settled in a few relationships. That empty feeling would come and go but when it did, I just reminded myself that God had a plan and accepted the fact that I may never know the greatness of God's love for me. I stood on his principals and trusted the wisdom of others. I was vulnerable and allowed my heart to break and in turn God began to make whatever pain I went through beautiful to understand what it meant to be unconditional.

Flash forward to one sunrise in May, when a young man approached me and said hello... and suddenly I felt the presence of God surround me.

Happy Valentine's Day