What I deserve...

Yea... she definitely doesn't deserve to be happy.

You've said it. I've said it. Somehow, we get to a point in our lives where we feel we have the right to determine the blessings or curses that fall into the laps of others. What in our right minds enable us to think someone (including ourselves) does or doesn't deserve something? Pride, jealousy, envy, bitterness, more yucky fickle feelings... and it's so unfortunate that we can go through those thoughts after working hard to be "the better man." But it happens.

This past weekend I was painting our house with my husband and somehow we got onto a conversation that ran similar to me saying, "Ah, he treated you badly? You definitely didn't deserve that." My husband, carefully edging one of the doors quickly responded, "I deserve death."

At first, I looked at him like he was crazy, hoping to meet a crooked smile in the corner of his mouth but he kept edging carefully; his eyes set on his work. I stood on my small step stool quietly and thought about what he said. I thought about those times I hit the nail on the head in my life and felt complete and good and then I thought about the times when I miss that mark completely, make a fool of myself and bring others down with me. But death? Do I deserve death? Yes. Let's take it a little deeper.

Now, you may say, "death? Come on Brit, that's a little harsh." But we are already living that punishment.  Romans 6:23 states, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." We are already ruined. Every one of us. We are walking definitions of death. Day by day by day by day our bodies continue to destroy themselves, our hearts continue to betray our minds and our spirits abandon us if not anchored in the everlasting love God gifted us; freedom. The ability to set ourselves free from guilt, shame, bitterness, anger, and deceit through our belief in Christ.

So when I think about my husbands response I realize he wasn't wanting a death wish. He was simply saying, everything I am is because of Christ and without Him, I'm ruined.

Tonight I scrolled down my newsfeed on Facebook and peered into the small glimpses of the lives of my social friends and instead of sitting in the judges seat, that can be oh so easily sat in, I sat on my clean laundry-in need of folding filled floor and watched God bring beauty from ashes and turn rubble into royalty. Because who am I to say what other's deserve? Who are you to say what I deserve? Go live your life free from jealousy, judgement and comparison.

Because I'll go ahead, save you the time, and say what I deserve. Death.

Go out with a Thump!

I was frozen. Suddenly everything I knew... everything I was, felt like it just disappeared. Everything in my mind went absent and I felt the blood rush to my head. It was like missing the winning shot of a championship, or not getting your final finished in time. It didn't matter how much I prepared, it just didn't happen.

You've probably heard the saying, "Go out with a Bang!" But what happens when you don't go out with a bang? What happens if it's more like a thump?

I've been professionally singing for 12 years and counting and I have learned some MAJOR lessons along the way. This past Easter I decided to take my little girl (6 months) on a business trip and help a church out in Maryland with their community service week and worship services. At one point of the trip I was wearing 3 shirts of different positions of the church layered on top of each other. I was ready to be all that I could be, despite whatever fatigue I may have been feeling. Easter rolled around and the end of the third service was approaching. The pastor was closing out and introduced a song I had written at the beginning of my ministry that spoke about our lives in Jesus and the sacrifice He made so we could go beyond the dissatisfaction and distortion of the world and rest in His grace and mercy. It's a beautiful song and I'm sure they would have loved it lol ......but as the introduction played I forgot every single line but the first. I shook my head and said, "Sorry, I can't do this."

THUMP.

The pastor understandably came back on stage and dismissed the congregation and I sat for a few minutes trying to remember my name. Shortly after that came back I got up and walked down the hall to pick up my little girl from the child care. She greeted me with smiles and baby kisses, knowing nothing of the confused failure I was feeling inside. After a few hugs and best wishes, I packed up my car and headed home with one question on my mind; Why?

You see, sometimes we learn lessons we didn't think we needed to learn. I was driving and felt the sting of my pride being bruised and suddenly realized I needed more checking up than I thought I did. I drove in silence and just allowed God to speak to me. And in a still, soft voice I heard Him say, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). I remembered, what I do, isn't about me. Me; as a daughter, a friend, a wife and a mother, none of it is about me. Nothing that I do as Brittany White is for my own glory, everything that I do, failure or success, is for God.

I was relieved and comforted by His words. I was comforted in the fact that people saw a human on stage that day, willing to give her best and her all to glorify God and even in her weakness, He was still Risen and His presence was still there. The irony of it happening on Easter was just the humor of God. A friend of mine called it, a "Godwink" which is simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

Did I want to quit and run the other direction? In that initial moment of weakness, suuuure. But when you realize that as long as the willingness is there, and that God accepts all that you have to give (2 Cor. 8:12), you understand that He accepts even our failures too and He expects us to pick ourselves back up and keep serving Him in the ways we're called to; in our professions, in our homes, and in our hearts.

So if you've had a bad day, if you're failing a grade, or if you just so happened to forget every single line of a song you wrote, let it go. Because it's not about you and as long as you're trying your best and working as hard as you can in your calling, God's grace will be sufficient and what you have to give will be enough... even if it's just a THUMP!

Poop.

Yea, that's right. You read correctly. Poop.

Now, let me explain.

I was 10 years old and visiting Maryland with my family. It was a visit that changed my life. Forever. My cousins were all in town and we were playing football outside in my aunt's yard. I was an extremely competitive child growing up, so much that it could get ugly at times... I got ugly many times.

I had the ball and was running for the end zone when all of a sudden... I...slipped...in...poop. It was game over for me. After realizing I had fallen, looked at my leg and there was a streak of doggie goodness smeared into my fair colored skin. I stared into the sky and could hear the giggles start. I sat straight up and looked at the smiling faces of my cousins. My vision started to blur due to the welling up of my eyes and I threw the ball at the closest cousin and ran into the house.

I ran to my Dad. I just wanted him to beat everyone up. I told him what had happened and that everyone was making fun of my fall. He took a knee beside me.

"People are going to laugh at you. They are going to point. But when the world tries to put you down, you need to learn to laugh at yourself. Because the moment you do, the faster you'll get back up."

I didn't like what he said but I knew he was right. I went back out with a forced smile. I didn't want to laugh at myself but I took the first steps I needed to take and almost immediately we all just moved on to the next game.

So, let's not beat around the bush; You're going to slip and fall in poop. People are going to offend you and try to get you worked up. They are going to test you in the worst ways possible. When you plan for a clear path and a solid goal even your closest friend can unintentionally trip you up. You are going to fall. But that doesn't mean you will fail.

Laugh at yourself. If nothing else, smile and know it's just a lesson for your life. It is not your life! The moment you get offended is the moment you open a door to allow the world to pick at you until you you harden your heart and 90% of the time, the only person your constant anger will hurt, is yourself.

Why is it so important to laugh at yourself? Author Susan Sparks said, "If you can laugh at yourself, you can forgive yourself." It's one thing to be forgiven by God and it's another to forgive yourself. Laughing at yourself shows the world you have an optimistic personality, and that you're strong enough to get back up and keep moving.

God wants you to be free from resentment and offense. When you fall, whether people are intentionally trying, or in ignorance hurt you, open your arms in grace by forgiving them. Forgive yourself for any pride that's tried to well up and let those around you know, it'll take a lot more than poop to keep you down.

Learn the lesson now so you can enjoy what the other chapters of life have to offer. It's not an easy thing to do but it's necessary if you ever want to experience the best person you can be in serving God, understanding yourself and loving others.

"The end of something is better than its beginning. Not giving up in spirit is better than being proud in spirit. Do not be quick in spirit to be angry. For anger is in the heart of fools." Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 (New Century Version)

"Smart people know how to hold their tongue; their grandeur is to forgive and forget." Proverbs 19:11 (The Message)

Further Reading: Colossians 3:12-17